When you realise you’ve lost more than your person
When we lose someone, we, generally, talk about their significance in our lives but what about ourselves? I’ve lost both my parents and a sibling from my immediate family. I’ve lost all my grandparents (my mum remarried so I’ve lost 6 in all), aunts, uncles and friends. I’ve grieved them all in my own way. I have and still am grieving my mum and dad. That will continue for the rest of my life.
I lost mum four years ago. It took me a good 12 months to emerge from my shell of shock. It then took me a good 12 months to get used to the idea that she was no longer here. She was my best friend, the person who knew me better than I knew myself. She was my guardian, my champion, my critic and my greatest supporter. She was the one I turned to for honest advice. She pulled no punches, and I always knew where I stood with her. Her loss hit me hard, but it wasn’t just her loss that got me. It was the losses that I realised I’d experienced that stemmed from her death.
It was during last year that I began to think about who I was prior to her death and how I had changed in the years since. I’ve come to realise that I’m a vastly different person than I was prior to both my parent’s losses. Until recent self-reflection, I was not conscious of the fact that I was also grieving the person I used to be. The loss you experience changes who you are and makes it who you were. Are you surprised to hear that this is normal? We don’t talk about all the losses around the loss of a loved one. There are plenty but you may not experience all of them.
You could be grieving the loss of parts of yourself, who you were prior to the loss. You might be grieving the loss of future experiences. You might be grieving the loss of current experiences. When my nonni died, I lost the weekly family get-togethers. This led to a loss of language as I was no longer surrounded by the people who spoke Italian. There is always more loss than just the loss of your loved one. It can come as a surprise to realise that you’ve lost more than your person. It’s also perfectly normal to not only recognise that loss but to be surprised by it. We don’t talk about grief and loss enough. It doesn’t come naturally but, as a result, we’re shocked when we’re faced with more than the primary loss. What other losses have you experienced as a result of your primary loss? What was it about your secondary losses that shocked you? How are you coping with the primary loss? How are you coping with the secondary losses? Do you need someone to walk beside you and guide you through your loss? If so, book an appointment with me and we can discuss how I can help you.
