What does making space for your grief mean?

I’ve referred to making space for your grief on more than one occasion but what does that mean? Well, it’s quite simple. It’s incorporating our grief into our lives. The problem with grief is that it’s not fun. We don’t want to make space for it. We want it to be gone. We don’t want to experience all the horrible emotions that come with it. Grief isn’t like happiness, it doesn’t bring us joy, it doesn’t bring us closer to those around us. Grief is such a solitary thing to experience. We must do it on our own. No-one can do it for us. We can’t share our experience; we can try but no-one else is truly going to understand exactly how we feel as they haven’t experienced life in exactly the same way as we have. They didn’t have the exact same relationship that we had. Others may share similar experiences, but they haven’t shared our exact same experiences. As a result, they can’t fully understand our grief.

We must process every feeling and emotion that arises for us to ensure that they don’t keep coming back in their raw and ugly states. All emotions want is to be acknowledged. If you can name, acknowledge, and normalise your emotions, you’re less likely to experience them in the same manner as when you first experienced them. Processing your emotions then allows you to make space for your grief, which is just another name for carrying your grief. As Queen Elizabeth once said, ‘grief is the price we pay for love’. You wouldn’t expect to stop loving someone who was still living, so why would you expect to stop loving them when they’ve died? Grief is, quite simply, love in a different form. We still love our deceased loved one, but that love may now be partnered with sadness, regret, and longing. We must figure out how we carry this new and strange bundle. So, how do we do that? Well, the answer to that question is as individual as our fingerprints. What might work for me may not work for you. For instance, my way of making space for my grief was to create a whole new purpose for my life. I created Guidance Through Grief to honour my mother, process my grief, and give back to humanity. It all sounds very noble, but it was a way for me to live my values and figure out how to live my life without my mother in it. I also carry my grief for her (and my dad) by incorporating their memory into any big events I might be holding. I’ve bought two candle lanterns and light a candle for each of my parents. This is my small way of including them. You may set a place at the table at Christmas or include photos in your celebrations.

There’s no prescribed way of holding space for your grief. It takes a little work on your part to figure out how you want to make space for your grief. Do you want to create new rituals? If so, it may include thinking about what your loved one would have wanted and incorporating some of these elements into these rituals. Making space or carrying your grief is totally up to you. There are no rules here. It is whatever works for you, what feels comfortable and right. Whatever you do and however you do it, be kind to yourself. Grief is tough, no matter how long it’s been.