Is the second year of grief harder?

The first year of grief is tough! But when does the first year of grief kick in? The first year after my mum died, I was in shock. Sure, all the firsts sucked, they sucked hard core and I didn’t want to acknowledge a single event in the 12 months after she died but I was in shock. I still expected her to ring. I still expected to see her when I went to her house. I still thought about calling or texting her when something happened. Each morning, for a split second in the fog of waking up, I forgot that she was gone, and I lost her all over again when the memories came flooding back in. She died suddenly so I was not prepared. Let’s be honest, even when you have warning, you’re still not prepared (despite how much you tell yourself that you are).

I can’t really remember that first year. I can remember the big things that happened or the days where I completely fell apart but everything else is a blur. So, when did the first year of grief kick in? For me, I think the first year of grief actually started when I emerged from my shock, which was 2 years into it. I wonder if the second year of grief is worse than the first. The first year I was in a fog. The second year everything was crystal clear. It was apparent that she wasn’t coming back, and I didn’t have the veil of shock to numb all the feelings. In the second year, I wasn’t just going through the motions and pretending to be an adult. I was being an adult; I was feeling everything. The second year was really hard. Losing someone close to you changes you. You lose a part of yourself. That second year had me re-evaluating everything in my life. What did my life mean without mum in it? Who was I without mum here to guide me? Was I capable of being a decent human being without her? What did I want her legacy to resemble? Of course, I’ve answered quite a few of those questions over time. But I asked myself all those questions in that second year. I had to face myself and figure out who I wanted to be and how I could be the best representation of her. I had to figure all of this out without her. All the lessons happened in the second year. I learnt how to live my life without her (I’m not a fan of this lesson at all and would rate it as the hardest lesson to learn).

There’s also this unspoken belief that you should be returning to your old life. You should become the person you were and that your grief should end. People become uncomfortable if you grieve for too long. They no longer want to deal with your sadness. They want your life (it’s really their own lives they are concerned with) to return to “normal”. I’ve heard stories from grievers who have said that their family and friends don’t even want to speak of the deceased. I can’t imagine having to face these kinds of cruelty. I was lucky! All my family and friends allowed me the time I needed. We all speak her name. She is remembered and so very loved. If you are grieving and not getting the support you need, there is help out there. There are grief support groups, counsellors and me.

If you’re in the first year of grief, just be aware that it might get worse before it gets better. But it’s okay! You will get through it. Look how far you’ve come. You’ve done that by taking it one day at a time, or one hour, or one minute. No matter where you are in your grief journey, be kind to yourself! It’s okay to take a break from your grief. If you’re struggling with your grief and you feel that you need help, email me at fiona@guidancethroughgrief.com.au. I’m here for you.